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I spent many years sleeping mentally. It was easier that way. To keep painful memories and thoughts in a dormant state.

It worked, as well as any denial works. The distant and not so distant hurts were still there and they managed to creep out in various ways.

That’s what happens to suppressed feelings and thoughts. They find their way into our lives anyway. No matter how hard we try to forget them. They show up as bitterness, anger, resentment, sadness or some kind of addiction.

Those feelings may appear to be directed at something or someone other than the original offender. Sometimes they are.

I thought I had gotten so good at hiding it all. But it was very apparent in my emotions and behavior.

I do not have a poker face, everyone around me knows when I’m stressed. They do not necessarily know why or what is upsetting me, but they can see that something is not good.

Problems come when others personalize my anger or my melancholy as being about them. They feel directly a part of my misery.

I can see how my mood can be perceived as something other than what it is. No one is inside my head and they don’t feel what I feel. I can also understand that negativity can bleed into situations other than the original cause.

I know it’s hard to deal with a person like myself. I’ve been dealing with me for a long time.

The clock of life is alarming. It’s time to stop looking outside myself for myself. Time to look inside and wake up…no matter how difficult, how much it hurts or how long it takes.


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