Today was another really dark day for me. There has always been a struggle in me between sorrow and hope. Always a feeling of impending doom just under the surface.
I can sometimes hide the sadness or maybe the sadness hides from me. Hibernating for periods of time only to rest and gain more strength.
Some days are harder than others and I often don’t even know what the triggers are. On days like this, the smallest thing can make me cry. The most simple task can overwhelm me. I have more of these days than not lately.
I bailed on work tonight, I couldn’t stop the tears long enough to make myself presentable for public viewing. “I’m not feeling well”, my standard excuse that covers most everything and is generally not a lie. Though sometimes I think “I’m not feeling anything” is more accurate. But that would only cause confusion for the person taking my call and make the conversation longer than need be.
I get a brief sense of relief knowing that I don’t have to leave my house now. I don’t have to smile and feign interest. I don’t have to interact at all.
Then the guilt comes hurling at me and piles on top of the sorrow. Why can’t I just deal with the life I’ve been given?
I’m not asking much. I’m not even setting my sites on being productive or trying to excel. I would just like to be functional and consistently so.