I’m trying so hard to pull myself up out of the dregs of depression. It always seems the more I try to focus on positive thoughts, the more external forces join together to turn my attention to the negative. I allow them in, internalize them and beat myself up all over again.
The past two days I was mentally and emotionally bombarded with reminders of past hurts and failures.
I spent yesterday morning at my late ex husbands home. It is very similar to the home we shared and even has some things in it that were ours when we were married.
We had 15 years and 3 children together. It was an extremely abusive relationship at one time, but there are good memories as well. It’s so very difficult to process all the varied emotions. How do I mourn someone who hurt me so much? How do I cope with the loss of all my hopes and dreams from so long ago? I never really dealt with the pain. I just hid it away. Now it won’t leave me alone.
Later in the day, I ran into two people from previous jobs. One job from which I was fired after 10 years and the other job I recently resigned from after 23 years. That resignation came after a lot of thought and prayer. I do believe I made the right decision, but it was still a difficult one. I miss my home away from home and my coworkers and friends who I spent so much of my time and life with.
I ended the day crying in my beer (ok…it was Bedtime Tea…same difference).
Today I spent Thanksgiving at the home of one of my family members (the home that I used to own and lost to foreclosure). I love my family all very much and did enjoy spending the day with them, but it was so stressful being in that house. It was a reminder of yet another one of my major short comings…being a responsible grown up.
The lingering tears from last night continued throughout the day (don’t know why I bothered to apply mascara), and are still flowing as I write this.
I tell myself constantly that everything happens for a reason. I know I need to let go and move on emotionally. My mind knows these things are true, but I just don’t know how to make my heart believe them as well.