“That’s just history.”
Someone said that to me recently. Yes it is, but it’s history that brought us to where we are. It’s painful and sad history that keeps repeating itself. In daily life and ongoing nightmares, that allow my mind no rest; even in sleep.
It’s history and current events at the same time.
I think it’s what has kept me going. Getting over one hurdle, focusing on that one thing. Hoping to feel some relieve at the end. But there is always another problem or tragedy to deal with. And of course the memories of them all linger on. There is no end.
I feel I need to fix things and in attempting to do so I destroy them instead. I’m so not good at being the fixer that I desperately want to be. So not good at very much lately.
I feel as though I have lost respect. Perhaps I never had it from anyone in the first place. I have lost all the respect for myself, that I know I had at one time. At least I felt I did. Then again, maybe I was fooling myself. We do tend to have a skewed picture of our own selves.
I always felt as though it would be nice to have an easy life. I know there is no such thing as perfect and everyone has tough times to go through.
I’m not asking for perfection, just a little less difficulty.
But then how would I have survived?
Now wondering to myself, what would happen if it were to stop? Is the turmoil what keeps me alive? When it’s over will I be over too?
If getting from one problem to the next is my fuel to keep moving, which it seems to be; how will I function without them.
I don’t know how. It seems a waste of time and mental energy to consider options that are really not options at all.
I have grown so weary of the constant journey through trials, that I have become nearly motionless. I struggle to get out of bed and I’m struggling now with these words.
Stop this train, I wanna get off.*