Depression is Such a Bitch

It’s weight grips my mind. My emotions. My everything.
It comes over me when I’m least expecting. On those “good” days, the ones that I’m not pretending. The days when I am feeling more than a shred of hope. Happy almost, as if I’m even sure what that is.

Depression likes to play that game with me. It steps back, just out of view long enough to fool me. It lets me think I may win, that it may have indeed gone away for good.

But it never really leaves. It’s always there, hiding in a corner of my mind…right next to the memories. In it’s own special place with it’s “Enter at Your Own Risk” sign hung on the door. No secret passwords can get you in. Trust me, you don’t want to go in. There are no tent forts made out of blankets, no favorite worn out books or teddy bears. No softness or warmth. In it’s cold, darkness it waits in the shadows; planning for it’s next bold attack.

Then, when I’m not looking, it swoops down like a hungry vulture. Digging it’s long, sharp talons into my flesh as it carries me away and consumes me. Leaving only bloodied and torn remains of flesh for the maggots to feed from.

“Try not to be so miserable.”
If only you knew, if only you could feel the insidious combination of pain and nothingness. But I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
It’s exhausting, this battle with myself.

As I sit and stare, as I sleep too much (but never resting), I AM trying. I’m trying to push myself into action. Trying to talk myself into believing there is hope and purpose in being. Ruminating over even the smallest mistakes and failures. Every shortcoming. Wanting desperately to move, but my limbs are heavy and weak. My head is too full to hold up.

It’s not a choice. I didn’t wake up and decide “Hmm…I think today, I’ll wear my sadness.”
It just happens, it just is.
Depression has it’s own life force. Separate from me, but so intricately entwined in my being that it’s removal may be impossible. I fear that without it, there may be nothing else. Nothing worth saving anyway.


7 comments on “Depression is Such a Bitch

  1. Amazing description of what so many go through while in a depressive episode. Anyone who says, “Try not to be so miserable,” doesn’t understand the struggle.


  2. So eloquently stated. People do try to be helpful but if you’ve never experienced the suffocation that is depression you simply can’t understand how it completely takes over everything!


  3. You are an amazing individual – I hope you know that. As someone who suffers regularly from bouts of depression, I can totally relate. I wrote a piece not too long ago that describes how it makes me feel. Not as eloquent as yours, but it’s hard to write when you’re consumed by dark. Depression really does have a life of its own. And sucks. Take it one day at a time. If you need a venting spout, I’m here. http://mommifried.com/laugh-depression-stop-talking/


  4. It is uncanny how similar the depression beast rears its ugly head. I wrote a piece 2 years ago that is very much like this one. I am not pimping my piece but if you are ever feeling alone, please read it and know that we all are in this together and we are not alone. And although we go into the depression tunnel every once and a while, we come out the other side. Much Love


  5. So very real! This is a wonder insight to the reality that depression isn’t a choice or an attitude, it is something that is happening.
    Carrie, the Just Mildly Medicated gal


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