I had an especially rough weekend, not feeling well, I missed work last night (well, I didn’t “miss” it, but I didn’t go).
I hate the control my mind has over me.
Debilitating sadness comes from the slightest things sometimes. An argument with a family member, a disappointment. Even a positive change toward a better life can cause overwhelming stress.
It creates actual physical symptoms and even though I know this, it still scares me sometimes.
Last night it was chest pain. It’s a feeling I’m very familiar with, but each time; especially now that I’m older, I wonder if it’s just anxiety sending that crushing pain through my body or a medical emergency.
I’m fine, physically all better.
There is a heaviness in my head afterwards, however.
A feeling of guilt and irresponsibility.
I’m a reasonably intelligent, college educated woman, I tell myself. I’m tough, I’m strong and I’ve been through much worse, I say. But those words mean nothing, they don’t make me all better.
Today, I need to dust myself off and be a grown up again.
That means, not only functioning as one, but being respectful of myself. I need to give myself the understanding and compassion that I so easily give to others.